It's official: I am a sad and lonely little girl

Another of my close friends just told me she is officially engaged. She is having her wedding in June. This makes her the third girl friend of mine to be engaged and planning a wedding. Actually, if I want to get technical, she is the fifth friend (two of the grooms-to-be are also good friends of mine) to be engaged within the last year or so. And at least one other couple among my friends is pretty serious.

As it is, I am going to be in three weddings in the next two summers.

Me = never had a boyfriend. Hell, I've never even been on a date.

Is it any wonder that I feel like a supreme loser? All three of my best female friends are getting married/ planning weddings, etc... and what do I have?

My only consolation lies in the fact that my best male friend is also single and lonely. It makes me feel a little less like a loser - or it would if I failed to take into account that he has had many girlfriends in the past. Allow me to remind you how many boyfriends I have had:

Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nyet. Kein.

And YES, I AM HAVING A PITY PARTY. Please, let me whine. You may only yell at me for being self-pitying if you are in the same siuation as me - otherwise, your arguments are null and void.

What the hell is wrong with me? I ask myself this question every day and I cannot answer it - well, face it, I don't want to find an answer. I wish I had the self-confidence to be happy and single for as long as I needed, but I simply don't. If I wanted to be honest with myself, I would admit that I derive my self-image from other people and their opinions more than I ever listen to myself. Being single like this is not only very lonely, it is also devasating to my ego. And perhaps that is part of the problem.

Perhaps if I start growing a backbone the boys will start liking me?

It's too beautiful to happen...

Durham University MA in Medieval and Renaissance Studies

How much more perfect can it get? I mean, first of all, it's a cross-disciplinary master's degree in exactly what I want to study. Second of all, it is in ENGLAND, back where my other home was (and still, in part, feels like it is). Third, it is DURHAM, where there is the most stunning Norman-style Cathedral, a castle (where some of the classes are!), a fabulous music program, and best of all, lots of BEAUTIFUL college boys. I know. I was there. And seriously, they were everywhere. I don't know why it is, but it's true - every few feet there'd be another gorgeous boy. It was most gratifying on the eyes.

But to be serious, for a moment. Lovely lads aside, this university would be ideal for what I want to do with my life. Basically, if I want a degree in Medieval studies, I will have to go somewhere overseas (and England would of course be preferable given that I know the language). It seems that Oxford or Cambridge would be absolutely delightful, but frankly, I'm a bit worried that my grades won't be good enough. I know I still make honor roll, but I think they might demand more than that - and I don't know if I can make that grade even if I pull straight A's for the rest of my undergraduate career. Which I won't anyway. I don't know what Durham demands, but I'm crossing my fingers that since it isn't as famous as Oxford they'll let me in...

But that would be too good to be true.

I am trying to hard to apply myself but this quarter has got me beat. I had too many demanding classes all vying for my time, and I'm not even exempt this vacation. "Deal with it," they say, and "welcome to the real world". Maybe I'm just not ready for it yet, but I feel totally swamped.

Oh well, a girl can still dream of the future. And I would love that future to be in Durham... *sigh*